Tuesday, January 03, 2006
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looksand unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
- Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.
- When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
- Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
- Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
- Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
- Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
- If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
- Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a total gym.
- Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a total gym.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
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