Ask Madden

Yo, it's Cent. FINALLY something interesting happened. So I was a half hour late to bio...meh, who cares. In the pathetic 40 minute break I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 11 to 11:40, I go to Willard Straight Hall to eat lunch. Today, I was particularly ravenous and hastened to Willard Straight. At the entrace to the dining hall the "Cornell Students for the ethical treatment of animals" had a table set up and they were playing a video of various animals being slaughtered. I stood around and watched the video, and the people running the table mistook my utter fascination with the bloody slaughter of animals for actual sympathy to their cause. And thus it began with sickly emaciated vegan number one saying, "I'm glad to see you find this video as disturbing as we do" "Actually," I replied, "I'm more fascinated by how cool it is to cut open a huge pig and see it's innards spill onto the floor." Apparently her vegan diet has caused the death of more brain cells than would normally be acceptable and she didn't pick up on the fact that I was absolutely not interested in her cause. She then asked, "would you like some imformation exposing the disgusting practices of the slaughter houses?" Already quite irritated (but too fascinated by the film to walk away) I replied, "no, thank you." After switching from slit open pigs to decapitated cattle, I couldn't help but realize that this was making me even more hungry. I was about to turn and enter the dining hall and sickly, emaciated vegan number one says, "are you considering becoming a vegan. It really is the best diet for you AND for the animals." WHAT THE FUCK! Is this sickly bitch implying I need to go on a diet!...FUCK NO!...it may be true, but AINT NO STICK WOMAN GONNA TELL ME THAT! I was in need of a diet. "no," I replied, bitterly, "I quite like my diet consisting solely of red meat." The bitch got a perplexed look on her face that kind of implied, "well, if you aren't smart enough to save the animals, then you deserve to die."...I was content to leave it at this, however the next thing I know, I hear an equally emaciated male counterpart to sickly vegan number one chime in with "would you like a free apple to promote animal welfare?" With the same hatred in my eyes that I only get when dealing with people like Lisa Pantuso and Maria Konovalova (and more recently the hardcore Asians) I replied, "How about a free STEAK!" And with that I sauntered away to the dining hall and ate a meal that I specifically designed to consist of only meat...not a single non-meat product went into my mouth. I figure, for every animal they try to save, I'll have to eat three times as much so that by their resistence, they are in effect killing more "innocent" animals than they are helping. Damn self-rightous bastards.